What is Discordianism?
According to many sources (Wikipedia, mostly) it started as a satirical religion that is enjoying a second (or maybe third?
Who the hell knows at this point??) wave revival. It started up in the 50’s by two crazy (e.g. brilliant) men (Malaclypse
the Younger and Omar Khayyam Ravenhurst) in San Francisco, CA.
Basically, they must have been high off their asses when they sat down and devised the rough draft for the Principia Discordia
(they claimed to have been at a bowling alley…but I’ve know people to be high in much more public places; notwithstanding
the fact that in the 50’s the laws on weed weren’t as tough).
But what they came up with is amazing.
A religion centered on chaos.
Our deity is Eris (full name: Eris Kallisti Discordia), whom you might recognize if you’re a big fan of Greek/Roman
mythology, the Iliad, or the Trojan War, or even Xena. The Goddess of Chaos and Discord. Our symbol is called the Sacred Chao
(pronounced “cow”; singular of [what else] chaos) and represents the two opposing forces in the universe: Hodge
(represents the bureaucratic and conformity ) and Podge (represents the chaotic and unknown). It is a ying-yang-ish looking
symbol, with a apple sporting “Kallisti” on the Podge side, and a pentagon on the Hodge side (or is it the other
way around?? Whatever)
To me, Discordianism is about embracing the real you--after all, men have come from chaos, and have lost our way by pretending
to be organized, law abiding denizens in a world that cannot (and should not) deny its chaotic roots. We went from nomadic
tribes to (what we call) civilization in less than 10,000 years. Even the universe itself was created by chaos (via the “Big
Bang” theory), and evolution was a chaotic fluke (tell me, from amoeba to whales?!?? How is that NOT chaotic??!??).
As such, Atheists, Wiccans, Satanists. Goths, Anarchists, and other social deviants all adopt/adapt/misconstrue all aspects
of Discordianism to fit their (err, deviant) lifestyles/religious beliefs.
And that is perfectly acceptable.
Ironically, I’ve been doing just that for years with other religions, but Discordianism makes it a point to tell
you that not only is it okay, but you’re more than welcome to make your own (how shall we call it?) denomination (we
call it a cabal, but I wanted something as a comparison).
So, what will Discordianism do for you? What has it done since it’s conception in Ancient China? And what is the
price of tea, anyway??
(sorry, I love tangents)
We Discordians live by a set of commandments called the Pentabarf (shamelessly lifted from the Principia Discordia:
KNOW YE THIS O MAN OF FAITH!
There is no Goddess but Goddess and She is Your Goddess. There is no Erisian Movement but The Erisian Movement and it is
The Erisian Movement. And every Golden Apple Corps is the beloved home of a Golden Worm.
A Discordian Shall Always use the Official Discordian Document Numbering System.
A Discordian is Required during his early Illumination to Go Off Alone & Partake Joyously of a Hot Dog on a Friday;
this Devotive Ceremony to Remonstrate against the popular Paganisms of the Day: of Catholic Christendom (no meat on Friday),
of Judaism (no meat of Pork), of Hindic Peoples (no meat of Beef), of Buddhists (no meat of animal), and of Discordians (no
Hot Dog Buns).
A Discordian shall Partake of No Hot Dog Buns, for Such was the Solace of Our Goddess when She was Confronted with The
A Discordian is Prohibited of Believing what he reads.
IT IS SO WRITTEN! SO BE IT. HAIL DISCORDIA! PROSECUTORS WILL BE TRANSGRESSICUTED
(don’t you love that??)
That is the most important catma (a general term for Discordian teachings, sayings, quotations, explanations, jokes and
illustrations) you’ll have to worry about (as opposed to dogma…not that we don’t have dogma; it’s
just way cooler than your run-of-the-mill variety kind) you’ll have to worry about?
There is also the Law of Fives.
The Law of Fives states simply that: ALL THINGS HAPPEN IN FIVES, OR ARE DIVISIBLE BY OR ARE MULTIPLES OF FIVE, OR ARE SOMEHOW
DIRECTLY OR INDIRECTLY APPROPRIATE TO 5.
The Law of Fives is never wrong.
Except, of course, when it is disproved (gasp). As Lord Omar said, "I find the Law of Fives to be more and more manifest
the harder I look." (which ois to say, if you really want to find the law of fives in something, you’ll find it, even
if it’s on three other tangents.
But I digress.
Along with the law of fives is the 23 cult (as I like to call it; it’s a sub-shoot of the Law of Fives [2+3=5]) or
23 Skidoo (as made popular by The Illuminatus! Trilogy by Robert A. Wilson [R.I.P]…definitely required reading
for any budding Pope; which is to say, every man, woman, and child on earth).
Hmm, did I miss anything?
But do lots of research, keep an open mind, and be prepared for some really funny shit…
That is one thing Discordianism takes seriously….you MUST have a sense of humor.
This is serious stuff (to a point) but it isn’t really for you to be adamant about. Have fun with it; you’ll
find no guilt, no promise of 1,000 virgins, no eternal damnation [unless you want it], no afterlife, no getting-out-of-bed-early-on-Sundays-to-go-to-church
(hell, no church period). You can do whatever you want.
By now (if you’re still reading) you must have an avid interest in our fine religion, and I now officially ordain
you as a Legionnaire Disciple (aren’t you excited?? Well, why not? you’re already a pope…). So read on,
my Child, use Google as your sword, and find out more.
Hail Eris! Hail Discordia!
High Priestess Deelicious Discordia: Lone Emperess of the Sacred Candy Mountain, KSC; Episkopos of Tasty Chaos; from Oreotic
Heart of Gold via HHG2TG