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Floydina's Writing Portfolio

Love as an Abstract

An Essay on Love and Longing

When you say you love someone and you break up...does the love dissipate?

I mean, "I Love You" is (arguably) probably one of the most powerful phrases you can say to someone...

Can you so easily take it back? Once they are said, can you rescind them and make it so they were never said? Can you reverse time itself in that way?

I thought about this as I was smoking in the staircase (as usual). I thought of all my past loves, and thought of one in particular. The cigarette itself brought back the memory…he would smoke Newport’s (I bummed one off my mom) and it made me think of the particular brand of mints he’d eat (at that point in time, I was adamantly against smoking [lol ironic I know], so he’d pop a mint after smoking).

That made me think. I know deep inside, a small part of me did, does, and always will love him. Notwithstanding what he did (and didn’t) do, and how everything ended and all the drama and lies…I honestly would never be with him again [fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me…indeed], but the feeling is like a dull ember that will burn in my heart forever.

I guess that is why I am so hesitant to see him…I am afraid of what I will do and/or feel (or allow myself to get into) if I saw him. That thought alone is enough to keep me away. I am still not strong enough to face him. It’s been a little over two years and my heart is still raw. So I’m sorry I flaked out on you, my dear…but at this point in time, I am not strong enough….

So it makes me wonder (to get off that tangent)…when you say you love someone, does it ever go away? Is it really possible to stop loving someone just because you say so? Sure, at that point in time, you’d feel as though you hate them and wish they would die…but hate is an extreme form of love…,you can love someone so vehemently and then they fuck you over (or whatever the case would be), and it has the potential to turn to hate… you would have to love someone you spend so much time thinking about-whether its plotting to kill them or plotting a special surprise--it’s the invested energy and thought processes that make it so.

So yes, that means that I still love my (recent) ex. It’s hard to live with someone for a whole year, sleeping in the same bed and going through so much shit with them not to. But I knew he was no good for me, and my allowing myself to stay there wouldn’t have led to anything good for either of us. I know he doesn’t understand that now, but I think someday he will. I hear he’s doing well, and it made me happy and bitter at the same time. Happy, because I still care about him and am glad to see he’s (finally) getting his shit together. Bitter because he didn’t feel the need to do so while I was there; he figured he’d just lean on me and coast through life. It seems like most guys I get involved with see me as a pillar of strength and seek to lean on me to weather out their lives. It just isn’t fair. I am strong, but I need support too. That is what my ex didn’t realize. Or maybe he was just selfish. I think that’s what it boils down to…self absorption, and lack of consideration.

You can rest assured that I don’t want him back, though. Getting physical is a deal breaker, my dear. I am so not the battered victim type. But one day, when he calms down and gets over himself, maybe we can be friends…

So comes the query: do you still love me? Did it ever really go away? Do you still think about all the good times we had? Do you have a little place in your heart for me?

It’s useless asking rhetorical questions, I know.

These questions I can safely ask out loud now; I don’t ask them with longing in my eyes and desperation in my breath anymore; they are just ponderous questions that I wish I could get an answer to…

Or do I want an answer?

Hail Eris indeed.

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