So you’ve seen the title, and it caught your eye.
What is Discordianism?
It is a question many people have been asking me since I’ve first declared myself a Papess (Mome for the feminists),
then a Priestess (we’ll get to that in a little while).
According to many sources (Wikipedia, mostly) it started as a satirical religion that started up in the 50’s by two crazy (e.g. brilliant) men (Malaclypse
the Younger and Omar Khayyam Ravenhurst) in San Francisco, CA. They must have been high off their asses when they sat down
and devised the rough draft for the Principia Discordia, which is our Bible of sorts. They claimed to have been at a bowling alley when time stopped, and the Goddess revealed herself
to them and told them what to write… But I’ve know people to be high in much more public places; notwithstanding
the fact that in the 50’s the laws on weed weren’t as tough.
But what they came up with is amazing--a religion centered on chaos.
Our deity is Eris (full name: Eris Kallisti Discordia), whom you might recognize if you’re a big fan of Greek/Roman
mythology, the Iliad, the Trojan War, or even Xena The Warrior Princess. She’s the Goddess of Chaos and Discord.
Our symbol is called the Sacred Chao (pronounced “cow”; singular of chaos) and represents the two opposing
forces in the universe: Hodge (represents the bureaucratic and conformity ) and Podge (represents the chaotic and unknown).
It is a Ying-Yang-esque symbol, with a apple sporting “Kallisti” on the Podge side, and a pentagon on the Hodge
We Discordians live by a set of commandments called the Pentabarf (shamelessly lifted from the Principia Discordia:
KNOW YE THIS O MAN OF FAITH!
There is no Goddess but Goddess and She is Your Goddess. There is no Erisian Movement but The Erisian Movement and it is
The Erisian Movement. And every Golden Apple Corps is the beloved home of a Golden Worm.
A Discordian Shall Always use the Official Discordian Document Numbering System.
A Discordian is Required during his early Illumination to Go Off Alone & Partake Joyously of a Hot Dog on a Friday;
this Devotive Ceremony to Remonstrate against the popular Paganisms of the Day: of Catholic Christendom (no meat on Friday),
of Judaism (no meat of Pork), of Hindic Peoples (no meat of Beef), of Buddhists (no meat of animal), and of Discordians (no
Hot Dog Buns).
A Discordian shall Partake of No Hot Dog Buns, for Such was the Solace of Our Goddess when She was Confronted with The
A Discordian is Prohibited of Believing what he reads.
IT IS SO WRITTEN! SO BE IT. HAIL DISCORDIA! PROSECUTORS WILL BE TRANSGRESSICUTED
That is the most important catma (a general term for Discordian teachings, sayings, quotations, explanations, jokes and
illustrations) you’ll have to worry about (as opposed to dogma…not that we don’t have dogma; it’s
just way cooler than your run-of-the-mill kind).
There is also the Law of Fives.
“The Law of Fives states simply that: ALL THINGS HAPPEN IN FIVES, OR ARE DIVISIBLE BY OR ARE MULTIPLES OF FIVE, OR
ARE SOMEHOW DIRECTLY OR INDIRECTLY APPROPRIATE TO 5.“
The Law of Fives is never wrong. But as Lord Omar said, "I find the Law of Fives to be more and more manifest the harder
I look." (Loosely translated: if you really want to find the law of fives in something you’ll find it, even if it’s
on three other tangents, or of six degrees of separation). But I digress.
Along with the law of fives is the 23 cult (as I like to call it; it’s a sub-shoot of the Law of Fives [2+3=5]) or
23 Skidoo (as made popular by The Illuminatus! Trilogy by Robert A. Wilson [R.I.P]…definitely required reading
for any budding Pope; which is to say, every man, woman, and child on earth).
We even have our own calendar and Holydays.
There is one thing above all that Discordianism takes seriously….you MUST have a sense of humor.
This is serious stuff (to a point) but it isn’t really for you to be uptight about. Have fun with it; read about
it, and take it all in, but don’t become all preachy and somber over it.
To me, Discordianism is about embracing the real you--after all, men have come from chaos, and have lost our way by pretending
to be organized, law abiding denizens in a world that cannot (and should not) deny its chaotic roots. We went from nomadic
tribes to (what we call) civilization in less than 10,000 years. Even the universe itself was created by chaos (via the “Big
Bang” theory), and evolution was a chaotic fluke (tell me, from amoeba to whales?!?? How is that NOT chaotic??!??).
As such, Atheists, Wiccans, Satanists, Goths, Anarchists, and other social deviants all adopt/adapt/misconstrue all aspects
of Discordianism to fit their (socially deviant) lifestyles/religious beliefs. I’ve been doing just that for years with
other religions (Hinduism, Buddhism, and Wicca, among others), but Discordianism makes it a point to tell you that not only
is it okay, but you’re more than welcome to make your own cabal, which is the Discordian equivalent to a denomination.
So, what will Discordianism do for you? Well, it has made you a certifiable Pope without you even being a Discordian, for
one. You also get to make up a really fancy, esoteric name with cool titles that’ll impress your friends and random
strangers. You’ll find no guilt, no promise of 1,000 virgins (well, maybe one or two…), no eternal damnation (unless
you want it), and no getting-out-of-bed-early-on-Sundays-to-go-to-church (hell, no church period).
You can do whatever you want.
All Hail Eris! Hail Discordia!
Chaos is inherent in all compounded things. Strive on with diligence ~Buddha~