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Deelicious Discordia....Mmm Mmm Bitch!
Saturday, 8 September 2007
You Can't Run Forever....
Mood:  sad
Topic: Romance

I learned that the hard way.

It seems to me that this was a hard week: a week or trials, tribulations, and past loves that went wrong.

I won't necessarily get into my week (at least not in this entry) but I will talk about the past loves.

First, I called Zack a few days ago.

He was mighty surprised to hear from me, and we had a long talk about why I left and why things went the way they did. He had emailed me on myspace, and I could feel the pain in what he wrote. (he had written me a few times, but I suck at returning emails). So instead or writing a reply, I sucked it up and called him.

It made his week, he said.

I was glad to get everything out in the open; I thought the least I could do was forgive him and give him some kind of closure. It's like I told him; I know what it's like to have a great relationship with a bad ending and to long for closure...and never get it. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

So that led me to write him this:

Suspension Without Suspense by No Doubt

My divorce from dependence
That's when you found me
I was still soft
And we always were in trouble
Odds stacked against us
And trouble's what we are

We get so far
And then it just start rewinding
And the same old song
We're playing it again
Suspension without suspense

Now that I've murdered your inspiration
And I forced you off
Do you hate me?
Do you want revenge?
I want to call you
But I won't

We get so far
And then it just starts rewinding
And the same old song
We're playing it again
Suspension without suspense

Oh the pessimistic protection plan
Moderation loving
I've been hardened by the circumstance
We knew this was coming

We get so far
And then it just starts rewinding
And the same old song
We're playing it again
Suspension without suspense

We get so far
And then it just starts rewinding
And the same old song
We're playing it again and again
Suspension without suspense
Intentions without intent

This song....every time I hear it, I think of you....

I wrote an essay entitled, :Love as an Abstract Thought" and here is an except from it:

“....So it makes me wonder […]when you say you love someone, does it ever go away? Is it really possible to stop loving someone just because you say so? Sure, at that point in time, you’d feel as though you hate them and wish they would die…but hate is an extreme form of love…,you can love someone so vehemently and then they fuck you over (or whatever the case would be), and it has the potential to turn to hate… you would have to love someone you spend so much time thinking about-whether its plotting to kill them or plotting a special surprise--it’s the invested energy and thought processes that make it so.

So yes, that means that I still love my ex. It’s hard to live with someone for a whole year, sleeping in the same bed and going through so much shit with them not to. But I knew he was no good for me, and my allowing myself to stay there wouldn’t have led to anything good for either of us. I know he doesn’t understand that now, but I think someday he will. I hear he’s doing well, and it made me happy and bitter at the same time. Happy, because I still care about him and am glad to see he’s (finally) getting his shit together. Bitter because he didn’t feel the need to do so while I was there; he figured he’d just lean on me and coast through life. It seems like most guys I get involved with see me as a pillar of strength and seek to lean on me to weather out their lives. It just isn’t fair. I am strong, but I need support too. That is what my ex didn’t realize. Or maybe he was just selfish. I think that’s what it boils down to…self absorption, and lack of consideration..…”


I wrote this a few months ago, and it still stands; You were not the main topic of the essay but you couldn't be excluded, either.

Like I said on the phone, I say what I mean and mean what I say. I like to think it is one of my better qualities.

I just thought I would share this with you...I woke up thinking about you and our conversation. It still stands what I said yesterday...you HAVE changed. I am really proud of you. I really would have been disappointed if you were still the same man I left 5 months ago.

BUT, you still have that selfish streak in you...just think of it as something to work on.

You never asked me once how I felt, either now or when I left. You just assumed, OK it's all my fault you left", which is half true. It makes me wonder if you really read the letter I left you. Sure, you read it, as you have taken my words to heart to some extent, but you didn't READ it and truly understand what I wrote.

People are dynamic creatures, Zack. We get hurt, we heal and we move on. You never forget, but you learn from your experiences, and you try to make yourself into something you can be proud of. My approval shouldn't be necessary to move on...and you shouldn't change yourself for me....you should change because you want to grow as a person.

I loved you, Zack....never think for a second I didn't when I was there. If I didn't, I would have left you long before I did. You were the longest relationship I ever had. I was willing to be your wife at one point....but you changed--no you WOULDN'T change, and that I couldn't take. I am not an overly ambitious person, but I do like living comfortably and do have hopes and dreams that I want to see through. You didn't see beyond today and you had no ambition whatsoever....I couldn't understand how a person could be content with that. Not only content with it, but stubborn and apathetic too.

I thought that my love would have been enough to make you change; to see that you shouldn't be content with mediocrity.

At the end, I realized that it was futile, and in trying to help you help yourself I was the one accepting less than I was worth. I gave up so much for you, but what did you give up for me? That's what it all boiled down to. You talked so much of unconditional love, but your love had conditions too. I don't believe in unconditional love; everything in life has conditions (whether verbal or not) and I have learned to accept that. But to me, after all we'd been through, you were dead weight to me and my love slowly turned into a poison I couldn't deal with.

I know you loved me, but your problem was you didn't love yourself enough. I learned a long time ago that if you don't love yourself, it makes it extremely difficult to love someone else. I tried...I really did. Maybe I didn't try hard enough, so I did the drastic...knowing fully how devastated you would be, because you made me your whole world.

And I think that was a problem in itself.

I knew leaving would eventually make you realize you had to do something with yourself.

Now from what I got from you yesterday, you seem to be re-inventing yourself to eventually try to get me back....I don't quite know if that's true, but I believe it to be the truth. And I am both flattered and saddened to think about that.

I don't quite know what else to say...I was always a better writer than a speaker, and I think I have said most of what I wanted to say.

I’ve added you as a friend on Myspace…

On that note, I’ll ask again: can you really just be my friend? Just me talking to you yesterday brought back all kinds of memories and images I hadn’t thought about in months…so I can imagine what went through your mind. I wouldn’t want to ruin anything you’ve accomplished (emotionally) since I’ve been gone, and if talking to me again proves to be too much for you, you should be honest with me and yourself and let me know. You seem to really be into your almost-girlfriend, and I wish you the best of luck with her. If she asks to be yours, you should totally go for it…you deserve to be happy and to be with someone who’ll make you happy.

It’s ironic that I should write to you in this way; ironic in a way you’ll never know…I was once in the same boat as you, believe it or not…

Ask me about it sometime….

Anyway, I guess you’ll get this and call me.

Talk to you soon,

Deena

And he told me he cried when he read it.

But it helped him, helped ME to finally face that which I ran away from. I ran away from here to go and be with him; I ran away from there because I couldn't deal with what I was going through.....

I'm tired of running.

I've ran so far away...I don't even know where I am anymore, or where I'm going.

But at least I am back on the right track.

So that led to Billy.

I felt so good, like a weight lifet off my shoulders forgiving Zack and giving him closure....why couldn't Billy do that for me?

Mind you, at this point, some two plus years down the road, it really shouldn't matter anymore, but it does. I am still curious as to what happened, and I always will be.

So I wrote him a letter as well:

Life is funny sometimes...

An odd way to start an email, I know, but it's true.

I spoke to my ex today, after five months...we had a nice long chat about why I left and what went wrong. It felt good to finally get a lot of things off my chest to him, and to hear his side of things.

That got me thinking of you.

In a lot of ways, he reminded me of you, but he was definitely different...I can't explain it but there it is. I had been avoiding that thought for a long time, but I suppose it's best I say it.

I don't quite know where to take this, but I wrote something a few months ago on here (don't know if you read my blogs or not but whatever the case may be) and I thought it might explain it better than I can right now. Don't take it for anything more than what it is, that's all I ask. I don't expect any feedback, but...it would be accepted and appreciated.

So here it is.



When you say you love someone and you break up...does the love dissipate?

I mean, "I Love You" is (arguably) probably one of the most powerful phrases you can say to someone...

Can you so easily take it back? Once they are said, can you rescind them and make it so they were never said? Can you reverse time itself in that way?

I thought about this as I was smoking in the staircase (as usual). I thought of all my past loves, and thought of one in particular. The cigarette itself brought back the memory…he would smoke Newport’s (I bummed one off my mom) and it made me think of the particular brand of mints he’d eat (at that point in time, I was adamantly against smoking [lol ironic I know], so he’d pop a mint after smoking).

That made me think. I know deep inside, a small part of me did, does, and always will love him. Notwithstanding what he did (and didn’t) do, and how everything ended and all the drama and lies…I honestly would never be with him again [fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me…indeed], but the feeling is like a dull ember that will burn in my heart forever.

I guess that is why I am so hesitant to see him…I am afraid of what I will do and/or feel (or allow myself to get into) if I saw him. That thought alone is enough to keep me away. I am still not strong enough to face him. It’s been a little over two years and my heart is still raw. So I’m sorry I flaked out on you, my dear…but at this point in time, I am not strong enough….

So it makes me wonder (to get off that tangent)…when you say you love someone, does it ever go away? Is it really possible to stop loving someone just because you say so? Sure, at that point in time, you’d feel as though you hate them and wish they would die…but hate is an extreme form of love…,you can love someone so vehemently and then they fuck you over (or whatever the case would be), and it has the potential to turn to hate… you would have to love someone you spend so much time thinking about-whether its plotting to kill them or plotting a special surprise--it’s the invested energy and thought processes that make it so.

So yes, that means that I still love my (recent) ex. It’s hard to live with someone for a whole year, sleeping in the same bed and going through so much shit with them not to. But I knew he was no good for me, and my allowing myself to stay there wouldn’t have led to anything good for either of us. I know he doesn’t understand that now, but I think someday he will. I hear he’s doing well, and it made me happy and bitter at the same time. Happy, because I still care about him and am glad to see he’s (finally) getting his shit together. Bitter because he didn’t feel the need to do so while I was there; he figured he’d just lean on me and coast through life. It seems like most guys I get involved with see me as a pillar of strength and seek to lean on me to weather out their lives. It just isn’t fair. I am strong, but I need support too. That is what my ex didn’t realize. Or maybe he was just selfish. I think that’s what it boils down to…self absorption, and lack of consideration.

You can rest assured that I don’t want him back, though. Getting physical is a deal breaker, my dear. I am so not the battered victim type. But one day, when he calms down and gets over himself, maybe we can be friends…

So comes the query: do you still love me? Did it ever really go away? Do you still think about all the good times we had? Do you have a little place in your heart for me?

It’s useless asking rhetorical questions, I know.

These questions I can safely ask out loud now; I don’t ask them with longing in my eyes and desperation in my breath anymore; they are just ponderous questions that I wish I could get an answer to…

Or do I want an answer?

Hail Eris indeed.

I sent it to him last night on Myspace, so I know he read it. I didn't expect a reply of any sort from him, though.

It's funny...I was thinking today about something that bothered me for quite a while. When I was in ROC and planning to leave, Billy offered to help me move back down. After I came back, I asked him why he offered to help. He said, "because you're a good person and you definitely don't deserve to be in a situation like that. Plus, after what I did to you....it's the least I can do to help you."

That shocked me to no end.

So a few days after that, I called him up and said, "Something has been bothering me; I need to ask you something." he said sure, and I asked why he said what he said-was he motivated by guilt to help me? He paused and repeated the part about me being a good person. That, and he considered me a "good friend" and he wanted to help me out.

Needless to say, i didn't buy it, but I let the subject drop.

I shouldn't have, but you could hear how uncomfortable he was and I let it go.

It was just as well; I don;t think much would have come of it.

Now back to my main thesis.

You can;t run forever...everything eventually catches up to you and you'll be worse off than you were originally. It;s better to deal with what's in front of you before it escalates into something you can't handle. It took me a year and two months to realize that...and there was only one thing left for me to take care of (after talking to Zack).

Pity that I will probably never get it resolved; not because of myself, but because someone is scared of facing their past.

I don't suffer the way I used to, or agonize over it either. But a small part of me still yearns for that closure. Just a tad bit.

I feel sorry for him in a way. You talk of being so strong and of controlling your life...but running away never solves anything...and proves just how weak you really are.

He once said I wasn't on his level, that I would never understand what he went through and why he does what he does...

I don't expect to hear from him anytime soon....maybe one day he'll call/email me from out of the blue with an explanation for me.

Maybe.

But until then...I have stopped running so he can catch up to me.


Posted by *Deelicious Discordia* at 1:17 PM EDT
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Thursday, 6 September 2007
Ha, New iPod and iPhone Drops in Price...I'm Loving it!
Mood:  lazy
Topic: Techie Stuff

Ipodblog Update at 1:40 ET: Jobs is now showing off a new iPod with a touch-sensitive screen called the Touch. It looks much like an iPhone. It has the same size screen as an iPod -- a 3 1/2 inch video display --  but is just 8 mm thick. Jobs calls it "one of the seven wonders of the world." It's WiFi-enabled, comes with the Safari Web browser, and can play YouTube video. Bottom line: It's an iPhone without the phone.

Update at 1:57 ET: The new iPod Touch comes in two models: 8 GB for $299 and 16 GB for $399. The Touch ships later this month.

Update at 2:09 ET: Apple just announced a Starbucks partnership. At the chain's stores, a Starbucks logo appears on iPhones and the new iPod Touch, showing what song is playing in the store and letting you buy the song. You'll also be able to find the last 10 songs that played in the store. Starbucks Chairman Howard Schultz has Jobs in making that announcement.

Update at 2:16 PM: Apple just announced that it dropped the price of the 8 GB iPhone by a whopping $200, to $399 from $599. And it's eliminating the 4 GB version all together.

This is flippin sweet! I waaant the new iPod *drool* It's gonna have a touch scree AND free internet? Freaking sweet man...and for the same price as the one I have too? I tell ya, modern technology.....just can't keep up with it.

But then...I dunno. The new one's memory sucks. Sure it LOOKS good, but if it won't hold all my shit, what is the point?

Damn you Apple.


Posted by *Deelicious Discordia* at 6:08 PM EDT
Updated: Thursday, 6 September 2007 6:14 PM EDT
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If Fish(es) Were Wishes...
Topic: Poetry

If Fishes were wishes
And fishing were free
I'd Fish all the fish
And keep them for me.

I'd sell all the wishes
But keep all the fishes
and return them to the sea.
But Who will buy a wish
When they can fish
and get a wish for free?

 


Posted by *Deelicious Discordia* at 5:50 PM EDT
Updated: Thursday, 6 September 2007 6:17 PM EDT
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Castles and Conquerors
Mood:  hug me
Topic: Poetry

Castles and Conquerors 

Everything is warm and bright
In the city by the sea
The ocean is still and perfect
As if waiting for you and me.

The 'gulls soar high,
The tide doth crash
Silence broken by screams of nature--
Her presence spread like a rash...

As we watch children play
Making castles in the sand
Each castle a simple wish
Easily crushed by a careless hand.

Oh, to be children again!
Making castles on the fly
The tide comes in to crush their dreams
And dark clouds fill the sky.


Posted by *Deelicious Discordia* at 5:37 PM EDT
Updated: Thursday, 6 September 2007 5:50 PM EDT
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Wednesday, 29 August 2007
Ahh, my new blog...
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: The Sims 2
Topic: Random Blahness

Ahh, my first current entry in my new home.

 I have accomplished much today... I got ze blog, I updated my biz, I got new URLs for my Discordian site and Website, and I dlownloaded a whole bunch of Sims stuff from the Booty.

I lazed around all day and was in front of my computer screen for most of the day. I am getting in as much Simming as I can; once school starts, I won't be able to sim on such a grand scale *sigh*

I have been reading quite extensively on the Pay vs. free issue effecting the Sims 2 community.

I, of course, think that ALL Sims 2 stuff should be free, but I won't get into that tonight.

Off to Simming!


Posted by *Deelicious Discordia* at 11:26 PM EDT
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